


Listening

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Post-Sirius in Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 08:55:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5918497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nightmares</p>
            </blockquote>





	Listening

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"No."

"Sirius..."

"Remus, I'm sorry I woke you up. But... you don't need to do this."

"No. I don't. And you didn't have to spend your nights listening to **my** nightmares. But you did. So come now... tell me."

"... I'm not very good at this anymore... Talking, I mean."

"Padfoot, it's alright. It's just me."

"I know. I... I know. That's it. It's just you."

"What do you mean?"

"I-it's just you and me. It shouldn't be. I mean, yes, it should be, but not... like... this. Well... yes, like this, but... not... oh bloody hell..."

"Shh... Sirius, it's alright. Here, relax your hands, you'll hurt yourself. Now, what about you and me?"

"We should be just the way we are, but not... alone. Not without James and Lily and... Peter..."

" **Peter**?"

"I miss them. God... do you know that it's taken me over five years to be able to say that?"

"Well, it's the truth, yes?"

"Yes. But... before, I couldn't... I couldn't think of them without remembering Az- er, Azkaban. And it... that was what I hated most. That I couldn't even remember my best friend without feeling cold and bare. He wasn't like that, you know... of course you know... I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry with me."

"Yes. Yes, of course. But whenever I thought of him before, I couldn't remember a single happy memory. Always something horrible, something gut-wrenchingly painful. And it wasn't even the pain that I hated. It was... that... feeling... no, no, that knowing... that I had happy thoughts of him, but I just couldn't think them or they'd be gone."

"Oh Sirius... I'm so sorry, my love."

"Don't. Don't be sorry. We don't-"

"-Have to be sorry, I-"

"-Know."

"Yes."

"... I tried to think of other things. You, sometimes, when it got too bad. At first, anyway. But they... they took a memory, sometime during my first month there... Something where you and I were... laughing, I think. During... third year, I think. Over something... small... I... think... or not. I just don't know anymore."

"Third year. Was that when-"

"I stopped then. Trying to think of you, that is. I wanted to keep your memories safe. I... I offered them other things. Birthday parties, Christmas with my parents, my first kiss... I don't think I even remember how I met James anymore."

"You were nine."

"Was I?"

"Yes. You both wanted the same broom. He asked you why, and you told him you wanted to learn to fly. He said he'd teach you and you laughed."

"...Oh..."

"Do you remember?"

"... No."

"You told me that once."

"Oh. Well... I suppose they took it."

"Sirius? How... how does it feel? Not to remember?"

"How does it- how does it **feel**?"

"Yes."

"Empty."

"You feel empty?"

"No... **it** does. It's like there's this... place where those memories used to be, and now it's not there anymore. And it feels empty. **I** don't feel it because... well... I can't really remember that they're gone."

"Ah."

"You're being sorry again. You do a thing with your voice."

"I'm not used to this, that's all."

"No... I'm not either. But it's... good. That we've got this. Isn't it?"

"Yes. Oh yes love, it's very good."

"I love it when you smile like that. I used to have nightmares about never seeing it again."

"Is that what you were dreaming? Tonight, I mean."

"No. No... it wasn't..."

"Tell me about it. Please?"

"You'll think I'm crazy. I was seeing them again. James, Lily, Peter... yes, Peter too. I hate him Remus. I hate him... hate him more than I've ever hated anything in my life. Hate him more than I've ever loved anything. But at the same time... I miss him. No. No, I don't miss him, I miss... what he used to be."

"I think I understand."

"And tonight... I started seeing them."

"Tell me what you saw."

"Them."

"Yes... what about them?"

"No, that's the thing, I saw them, only not... exactly them. Not like they were..."

"Alright... I... I don't know exactly what you mean..."

"Don't you ever look at something- anything really- and all of a sudden you can't help but remember them?"

"Oh. Yes, I do. More than I'd like, actually."

"Yeah, me too."

"When I was teaching, I used to look up sometimes, just as a girl tossed her hair, and I'd see Lily. And the way a certain boy folded his hands... that was Peter. And there was something about the way Harry held his chin that made me think I was really seeing James."

"Yes. That's exactly what I mean. I was dreaming of all those little things that have always reminded me of them."

"But you were crying out..."

"Was I? It makes sense. I'm used to seeing their bodies in my sleep... it's almost habitual now. But this is the closest I've ever come to a happy memory of any of them."

"Oh Sirius... I didn't know. Are you... alright?"

"I think so, yes. I should thank you actually. You... tonight... I don't think I've ever felt so... peaceful, as I did falling asleep in your arms. You're giving me your happy dreams love."

"If I knew how I was doing it, I'd give you all of them."

"Just do... that. Oh that. Whatever you're doing to my neck right now, don't stop... Mmm..."

"Tell me more. What reminds you of them? Hmm?"

"James used to tap his fingers whenever he was frustrated..."

"Yes, I remember that."

"... The rain, always in the night, used to make me think of that. And there were times in the spring when some faint scent would drift through to me and it was almost like a trace of Lily's perfume."

"The one she never wore."

"Exactly. Ooh... right there, to the left... that tickles. No, it's nice. And once, the water outside my window was the color- the **precise** color- of Peter's eyes."

"They were blue, yes?"

"I don't remember anymore."

"Ah... Here, does this feel good?"

"You're touching me. Of course it feels good."

"I love you too."

"... Mostly though, I keep seeing snatches of their faces. Everywhere. Peter in the sunlight... Lily in the leaves... James... in the... when it's dark. You... in... the... Hmm..."

"Sirius?"

"... Mm?"

"You're falling asleep."

"Mm... hm..."

"Sirius?"

"... Hrm?"

"I do love you."


End file.
